Just Another Mary Sue Parody
by Icy Sapphire15
Summary: When a crazy fangirl falls into Middle Earth, pity Legolas and Aragorn. What mayhem will she cause? R&R to find out! I WILL UPDATE SOON!
1. The fall into ME

WARNING! WARNING! This will be a Mary Sue, but my crappy attempt at humor and an even crappier attempt at parody. It is a Mary Sue, but NOT, I repeat, NOT a Legomance. Legolas and Aragorn will NOT fall for our unfair maiden. For the reocord, Sauroman doesn't want our MS to shag her senseless. You'll have to see why. -Sticks tounge out at angry readers- EEP! Don't hurt me! -cowers- With all those necessary warnings out of the way, Legolas will be doing my disclaimer. Legolas, take it away. 

Legolas: IS doesn't own LOTR. If she did, Aragorn, myself and the twins would be covered in scars/ suicidal.

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It was a beautiful day in the woods by Rivendell where Legolas and Aragorn were hunting orcs. The sun was shining, the clouds were non-existent, except for the one being shot at by some stupid orcs; but we'll ignore that, and the birds were chirping. That is, they were chirping until something wearing black, green and blue with brown hair crashed down from the trees……

Contrary to the weather in Middle Earth, it was a dreary day in northern Illinois. Clouds blanketed the sky and even though it was 7:00 am and the sun had 'risen' there was little light. One girl, like thousands of her teenage brethren sat on a school bus going to school. Her hair was brown and she was wearing a pair of plaid, skintight pants and a sweatshirt bearing the legend Kings Island. On the seat next to her was a dirty pink backpack. Something whacked her head and she shook it irately. "Was that supposed to hurt me?" She muttered outloud to herself.

Sauroman rolled his eyes as the orc failed to knock out his quarry. He used his orc puppet to grab her leg and she yanked it away from the grasping hand, more irritated now. Sauroman sighed and came up to snatch her himself. "If you want something done right…" He muttered under his breathe. Grabbing his staff, he whacked her on the head with as much force as a gross old man could muster. She slumped down and slid under her seat Sauroman could get a hold of her. "Damn!" He cursed, ignoring the other high-school students on the bus, many which were unaware that a fellow student had disappeared, "I knew I should have invested in a Saft-ee-Net®." With his eye twitching, he sank back into Middle Earth.

Back in Middle Earth, the strange creature sat up and groggily shook its head. When Legolas and Aragorn saw its face, they gasped in shock. "It" was a girl, human from the looks of it, with brown hair pulled back into a low ponytail on her back, and some form of spots on her face. She was wearing a pair of plaid pants and a baggy black shirt with some form of writing on it. When she was finally had gotten the annoying dizziness gone, she looked up. Her eyes grew larger and she started giving off a high pitched shriek.

"I wonder if she broke herself when she fell." Legolas muttered to Aragorn and they laughed.

The girl got up and ran toward Legolas; then she glomped on his legs, causing him to crash down on his back. "Oh my God! It's Legolas! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!"

Legolas had a terrified expression on his face and Aragorn gave him and the crazy girl an amused look. The girl rolled her sleeve up and gave the arm she exposed a good hard pinch.

"I'm not dreaming." She shrieked again. Aragorn and Legolas winced at her high pitched voice. Aragorn couldn't help but laugh as she threw herself on Legolas again. "Oh my God, I like, so totally love you!" Hearing Aragorn's laughter, she latched onto him as well and he crashed down on the ground next to Legolas, who promptly smirked at his friend.

"Don't worry Aragorn, I love you too!" After a moment, she stood, er, bounced up and held out her hand. "I'm sorry. I never introduced myself. I'm Smurfalina, but everyone just calls me Smurf. "

Giving her a strange look, Aragorn and Legolas stood up and backed away slowly. Backing away slowly, the two terrified males looked at Smurfalina. "What's your full name?" They asked in unison.

Smurf took a deep breathe and said, "My full name is Smurfalina Cookie Murphy. My parents were smoking the good stuff when they named me. I like it, but am still toying with the idea of changing it in four years when I'm eighteen."

Before Legolas and Aragorn could reply, a crashing from the bushes alerted them to the presence of the orcs they were hunting. Legolas and Aragorn lunged in front of Smurf, ready to protect her, but before they could draw their weapons, Smurf stepped in front of them. Opening her bag, she pulled out a pencil and stabbed the orc hard in the chest. "You big bully, I won't let you hurt the guys I love!"

The orc looked confused momentarily, and then it grinned, pulling its sword and starting to stab at Smurf. Before the orc could complete the motion, it staggered backwards. Smurfs hand was up and her hand print was on its face. Doing a classic example of a bitch slap, she soon had her opponent cowering in fear at her feet. Kicking it, she grabbed its ear and forced her enemy onto its feet. "Go and tell your friends never to bother this group again." The orc fled, telling its scouts to retreat, for this orc was the leader of that particular band.

Smurf turned and smiled innocently at her companions. "What? I didn't want him to hurt you, mon chères."

Legolas stared at Smurf, but Aragorn poked him in the side but Aragorn poked his side and said, "Er- Thank you . What does mon chères mean, what language is it in, and where did you come from?"

Smurfs smile never faltered as she smoothly replied, "Mon chères is my dears in French, it's in French and I came from my bus. Where am I?"

Aragorn blinked. "French? Where's is the country of French? And this so called bus? Milady, you are in the woods outside Rivendell, across the the River Bruin."

Aragorn and Legolas thought they were ready for any possible reaction but Smurf dumbfounded them once again as she pinched her other arm, then tore off in the opposite direction of the Last Homely House. "Oh my effing God! I'll know it's not an elaborate joke when I see Rivendell."

"Umm, Smurf?" Legolas ventured timidly, "Imildras is the other way."

"Oh." Slightly embarrassed, Smurfalina skidded to a stop and then took off in another headlong rush. Aragorn and Legolas grabbed her arms before she could run smack dab into a tree.

"Milady, we are several days travel away from Rivendell, at least on foot." Winking at Legolas, Aragorn gave an earsplitting whistle. Two horses soon were seen coming from the east.

"Milady, may we present you to our mounts?" Legolas asked the surprised girl, playing along with Aragorn's game of flattery.

Smurf turned a bright pink and looked at the horses. "Ooooo. I love horses." Swinging herself up on a white horse, she asked, "Whose mount is this, what's her name, and how the heck are we going to ride if there's only two horses and three people.?"

Aragorn chuckled evilly at the torture he was about to inflict on Legolas when Smurf answered her third question. "Never mind. I'll take this lovely mare and you two can double up. And whose beautiful mare is this, anyway?"

Legolas and Aragorn exchanged dismayed looks. 'Riding double? Oh shit! I don't want to,' Ran through both their minds. With a sigh, Aragorn swung himself up onto his mount, Snow, and helped Legolas up in front of him.

(A/N- In my own little fantasy world, Aragorn learned to ride the elvish way, tackless. Don't like it? DEAL! Canon is non-existent in this ficcy. Leaving me free to do as I please with them.)

Legolas nudged Snow in the sides and Smurf followed him as they started riding. "That would be Frost, my mare from Mirkwood."

"I love riding. I used to ride until my parents stopped giving me lessons." Smurf sighed contentedly as they trotted along.

Legolas gave Smurf an odd look. "What do you mean, your parents stopped giving you lessons? You seem to have a grasp of the basics, but don't they want you to able to travel? Or do they want to keep you home all your life?"

Smurf raised her right eyebrow at Legolas. "What do you mean? I'm fairly sure they don't want me to. Even though I am the only girl."

Legolas turned around gave Aragorn a strange look that Aragorn returned. The customs of 'bus' made no sense.

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After a couple days of riding with Smurf, Legolas and Aragorn were more than relieved to see Rivendell, even if it meant Lord Elrond would make sarcastic comments about them being unharmed.

-  
Well, what do y'all think? Like it, love it; want to set it on fire, think I should burn in the bowels of Hell for writing it? Just tell me and I might not hurt you for a flame. Just kidding, I do except constructive critisism, but flamers will be called names and either poked with my Cattle-Prod-of-Doom ® or will have my dragon, Fluffy, set on you. Please R&R! Also, if anyone can translate Snow and Frost to elvish, you'll get a surprise. EDIT! I fixed a couple of mistakes that annoyed me and I missed the first time around. They are all gone now.


	2. Pity the inhabitants of Rivendell

Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooo very, very much for those who reviewed this and Why, my other story. Check it out, even though it is slash. See reviewer response at the bottom.

Once again, this is a total MS, but not a Legolmance or an Aramance for that matter. Also contains my crappy attempts at humor and parody. Plus, it has some cursing, violence, insanity, nudity… Oh wait, wrong warning. Or is it….? –grins-

Disclaimer- If I owned LOTR, then JRR Tolkein would sic his purist army on me, for obvious reasons.

* * *

When Smurf and Co. rode into Rivendell, Smurf, who had been prattling on about something or another, fell silent.

Legolas stopped dreaming about a nice orc attack, just to shut Smurf up for awhile. So when Smurf fell silent, he looked up to see if fantasies had come true and she would be quiet. He say it was Rivendell and prodded Aragorn with an elbow to wake him. Aragorn was sleeping against his back and had been for quite some time.

Aragorn awoke with a snort and was about to smack Legolas for waking him, but then he saw Rivendell and realized that Smurf had stopped blathering.

"Rivendell," He cried joyfully, while thinking, 'Home!'

Smurf caught her breathe as she drank in the sights. This was Rivendell and for an elf obsessed fangirl, it was Heaven. She did what any rampaging fangirl who had just seen Rivendell would do. She screamed. Very, very loudly, she screamed a scream of pure delight. Legolas's and Aragorn's hair blew back from the force of a fangirl scream as they vainly attempted to cover their ears.

(A/N- I am deeply sorry if I offended anyone with the Heaven comment, but I do believe in Heaven and God and yadda, yadda.)

Lord Elrond came running out of his study, thinking an attack was going on. When he reached the steps leading inside, his jaw dropped. There, in front of his house, was his son and Legolas, both unharmed none the less, and a strange girl, the latter being the cause of the noise. Being a gracious host, he came down to meet them. "Greeting, ion-nin, Prince Legolas and mi-oof."

Right after Elrond had kind of finished his greeting, Glorfindel and the twins came skidding out of the house, wondering what all the noise was. "Mellon-nin what's all the commot-?" Glorfindel started but couldn't finish for laughter.

A strange girl had his best friend and lord in a vice-like grip around the middle. Aragorn and Legolas, miraculously unharmed after going orc hunting, jumped off of Snow and hurriedly pried her off Elrond. "I apologize for Smurf's reaction ada. She reacted much in the same manner when she first met Legolas and myself." The girl tried to get away, but Aragorn had too tight a grip on her arm. "You have to introduce yourself before attacking an elven lord."

"Oops, sorry Lord Elrond," the girl blushed a bright pink and then smiled brightly. "I'm Smurfalina Cookie Murphy, but everyone just calls me Smurf. Behind you," she pointed to Glorfindel, Elladan and Elrohir, "Must be Glorfindel, Elrohir and Elladan." Smurf pointed to each elf as she named them, but made to oh so common mistake of mixing up the twins.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Lady Smurfalina. Behind me is Glorfindel and my twin sons, only you mixed up their names. Elladan is on the left, while Elrohir is next to him."

"Oops." Smurf blushed again. "I'm sorry Elladan and Elrohir. Please, Lord Elrond, call me Smurf." Under her breathe she muttered, "Goddammit, I'll never get those two right."

With the remarkable hearing of elves, Elladan had heard her muttered comment and smiled, used to it by now. Stepping forward to flank his father, he asked Smurf, "Was it you who kept our dear friend and even dearer brother safe from harm and all things evil."

Aragorn's eye twitched as his father joined in the teasing. It wasn't their fault trouble had a habit of following them everywhere.

"Indeed," Elrond was saying, "I was beginning to wonder which one would collapse from a broken bone or poisoning or whatnot." Chuckling, the lord of Rivendell led the group inside, including a wide eyed Smurf.

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(A/N Please don't murder me for the harmless little diversion. If you do, no more updates!)

On the floor of a hippie style home, we see two adults sitting on the floor.

"Honey," The male asked the female.

"Yes muffincheeks?" replied the female.

"Sugarbutt, didn't we have three children?"

"I don't know stud monkey."

"Oh. Pass the bong then cookieface." So the parents of Smurf commenced smoking their weed and forgot all about Smurf. Bad luck for our Middle Earth friends.

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About ten minutes after we left Smurf, she was just being shown her guest room, after glomping Glorfindel so hard he passed out. The twins had been cornered and hugged, but otherwise they liked the new girl.

When she was shown her room, Smurf went over to the wardrobe. She took in the sight of the beautiful elven dresses that had been left for her. Unfortunetly, she severly disliked dresses. Wandering around for about five minutes, a kindly servant directed her to Lord Elronds study. Upon arriving, after walking into three elves, four corners and a wall, she reached the study. Knocking on his door, she looked up at him innocently. "Lord, Elrond, can I have a tunic instead of a dress?"

Elrond was a reasonable elf and although it was uncommon for a female elf to wear a tunic, it was not unheard of. Aldaril, Legolas's cousin, wore tunic unless she was forced into a dress. So he agreed.

Soon after her request had been granted, Smurf was sinking into a nice warm bath thoughtfully prepared for her by the servants.

Three hours later, Legolas and the twins were knocking on her door. Smurf shouted, "Go away! I'm enjoying my bath.

Legolas yelled back, "Dinner will ready in an hour. Be ready by then."

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An hour later, Smurf's hair was braided back in a neat braid and she was sitting at dinner, conversing politely with the others. Glorfindel was staying away from the reach of her arms and the twins kept asking her questions. Finally Lord Elrond broke in.

"Enough, enough you two. So Smurf, where are you from?"

Smurf blanched. "I come from McHenery."

Aragorn, who was conveniently sitting next to Smurf, started to say, "But wait. Didn't you say you came from B-" Smurf stomped on his foot and he quickly stifled any objections to her place of residency.

"Oh?" Elrond said, doing his trademark eyebrow raise. "I don't believe I've ever heard of McHenery. Pray tell, where is it?"

Smurf smiled shakily and crossed her fingers beneath the table. "It's on the shores of the Sea of Rhun. It's a small town, not many have heard of it."

"I see." Elrond turned to another elf at the table and the talk meandered among other topics.

* * *

Okay, so it ended a bit abruptly. And I know everyone seemed a little ooc this chappie. I promise it'll get better, but only if you review. Reviews make me update faster people. An yes, the Sea of Rhun is a real place. I whipped out an old copy of LOTR with a map. It's by Mirkwood, sorta. And no, I don't live in McHenery, only nearby.

Also, if you read Why, then tell me if you want me to do a sort of prequel to it. All it takes is one person to ask.

Also, also, I saw Troy like, right before I finished typing this and it is an effing good movie. I loved it. Okay, reviewer responses.

Klt Brinkster- Thank you so much. You just gave my ego a huge boost. Now my fat head will get stuck on stuff, lol. A belated Merry Christmas to you too. Ah yes, for reviewing you get a cookie. –hands Klt big cookie-

Wren O'brien- Thank you! I've been meaning to check out your story, but I'm lazy. For being my firstest reviewer, you get a cupcake! –hands Wren a ginormous cupcake-

Reviewer responses for Why (told ya they'd be here…didn't I? O.o)

Dark-child99- I am so very sorry about the e-mail. I misunderstood your review. Thank you anyway for being such a sweetheart about it. –hands Dark-child a ginourmous cupcake- You get a cupcake too for being my firstest reader of this story.

Black Cat Gurl- Thankies for the support. You get a cookie. –hands Black a big cookie-

Samantha-Sammy, I love you so much mellon-in. Thank you for reviewing even though you don't like slash. That means so much to me. –hands Sammy a really big cookie- You deserve a really big cookie.

Kestrel of Valinor-I trust you received my e-mail, stupid bitch. You get a smack across the face and arrows shot at you. –arrows shoot at Kestrel- Don't review. Please.

Jogreenleaf- Thankies. Hehe, I'm not twisted, I'm odd. Wait, I already knew that….. Thank you for reviewing anyway. –hands jogreenleaf a big cookie-

That sums up my responses. R&R everyone, except Kestrel. You can go flame other self-respecting authors.


	3. Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's Off To Mirkwood We Go

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm still writing! I just had a vacation, finals and writers block. But enough about me. DISCLAIMER TIME! Before that, do I even need to add my warnings by now? I hope y'all know them by my third chapter. –eyes bug out- HOLY FRUITCAKE! I'm on my third chapter and the masses haven't rioted yet! Ok, now disclaimer time.

Disclaimer- Don't own, don't sue. Mr. Willhoit, my English teacher, won't let me use his room to hide the bodies of lawyers anymore until I can bury them in the courtyard. Something about needing the space for his students…..O.O

* * *

After dinner, Elrond summoned Legolas, Aragorn, the twins and Smurf to his study. 

"I want you four to escort Smurf home." Holding up a hand to stifle the protests he knew were enviable, he continued, "I know it's by the sea, so the three of you," cue a point towards the elves, "Could stay in Mirkwood or somewhere else far enough away. Aragorn could usher Smurf home."

Pulling down an enormous map from one of the numerous bookshelves lining the room, he dropped it on his desk with a terrible bang. It was a metal map you see. Whipping out a set of Lord of the Rings action figures, including one of Smurf, and set them on the map. The old road is here. You can go through there and blah blah blah blah."

After several hours, Elrond finally stopped talking. The others had been dozing lightly in their seats and woke up when they heard an end to the boringness. "Do you understand?" Elrond said in an old-fashioned teacher voice. The kinds where they have no problem whacking you with a ruler, yardstick, and other students….You know the kind.

Smurf got all teary eyed before glomping the elven lord so hard his eyes practically bulged. "Thank you so much, but it's unnecessary." She said.

"It's no trouble at all….." Elrond got out before fainting.

After Elrond had been treated -much to the amusement of his sons and Legolas- for his head injury from hitting his head, the group set off.

* * *

Smurf grinned from atop Legolas's mare. She had been offered a horse from Rivendell, but had declined. "That's OK!" She'd exclaimed. "Legolas will let me use Frost again. RIGHT!" She glared daggers at the poor prince while he nodded and gulped. 

After stopping to make camp for the night, Smurf pulled out a deck of cards and some poker chips. Holding them up, she asked, with a slightly twisted grin, "Anyone up for a game of strip poker?"

"What's strip poker?" Elladan asked curious but not scared despite the sight of Smurf pulling on several layers of clothing. That would have tipped anyone off, but these guys aren't the brightest out there.

"Dun worry, I'll teach you….." Smurf said with a decidedly maniacal grin now.

"I bet pants!" Smurf cried gleefully. The boys were in their swords and pants. Smurf on the other hand was in her tunic, her undergarments, and two pairs of leggings having ditched her shoes and socks due to the fact that she preferred bare feet.

* * *

"Dammit!" Legolas swore. Smurf had the guys hiding behind nearby trees, seeing as they were in their birthday suits. 

"I win again!" Smurf shouted happily. She was in her tunic, panties and bra. "Seeing as how I am so nice, I'll end the game so as too spare you further humiliation. I'll turn away so you can come out and change, or would you like the trees more?"

After exchanging looks, Elrohir said, "We'll take the trees."

Smurf smiled and closed her eyes. "One problem. I don't know whose clothes are whose. So come out and get them. I won't peek." Holding four tunics in front of her, she waited for the male parties to get their leggings, socks and boots.

"Oh dear. Is something missing?" Smurf smirked at the four fine looking males shirtless before her. Tossing them their tunics, and pulled on her own outfit.

* * *

Reaching the borders of Mirkwood took several more days of travel and card games, but once they reached them, the guards recognized everyone except Smurf. Legolas vouched for her good behavior and they passed into the former Greenwood the Great. 

"Mirkwood." Smurf sighed.

"Mirkwood." Elladan and Elrohir confirmed.

"It's only a forest." Aragorn whispered.

"Quiet you. Companions, let us ride to Mirkwood!" Legolas scolded.

"Where did that music come from?" Everyone wondered.

Upon reaching the palace, a red haired blur came tearing out, skidding to a stop much like Smurf had in the first chapter. Frost, Snow, Star and Moon shied, snorting as Aldaril grabbed everyone in turn, giving them a bear hug.

When she got to Legolas, she almost lifted him off of Snow. "I missed you! No one else provides a decent challenge around here. Next time, take me with you. You have all the fun."

Going to Smurf, she wiggled her eyebrows. "What's this? Little Greenleaf got himself some arm candy for the festival tomorrow."

Smurf grinned. "Hullo. I'm Smurfalina, but I prefer Smurf. What's your name?"

Legolas started to protest. "Wait! She's not my date for the Festival of the Stars! I can barely stand her." but Smurf cut off his protests. "Don't listen to him. He's just embarrassed of me."

Aldaril laughed. "Awwwwww, my little cousin is embarrassed of you? I don't see why. You seem like a sweetheart. By the way, my name is Aldaril."

As Aldaril and Smurf went off in a chattering whirlwind, Legolas sighed. "I am so screwed. Aldaril's going to spread the word all over Mirkwood. And the worst part is that I don't like Smurf."

"Yup." Elladan said absently staring after Aldaril.

"Do you like Aldaril?" Aragorn asked.

"Maybe…."

"Do you?" Legolas pressured.

"Maybe….."

Elrohir sat there and smiled. He knew about Elladan's crush, but wouldn't say anything unless his twin said anything about him crushing on Eowowen, Legolas's younger sister. She was fair-haired with big violet eyes, surprising skills weapon-wise and had an incredible figure. Plus she was really really really pure. In short, she was an elven-sue.

While Elrohir day-dreamed, Elladan, Aragorn and Legolas played the maybe game, Aldaril dragged Smurf off to meet Eowowen. She greeted Smurf courteously, having never said a cross word in her life and was pleased her brother had found a woman at last. "Come!" She cried. "You must meet ada (daddy/dad/father/papa).But first, you simply have to change into fresher attire. Something a bit more feminine would be more appropriate."

* * *

That's how Smurf ended up in front of King Thranduil wearing a deep purple gown, with Aldaril and Eowowen next to her wearing similar gowns. Smurf promptly collapsed in giggles when she saw Thranduil. 

Eowowen and Aldaril were sent to fetch Legolas, Aragorn, Elladan, and Elrohir. When they had left, Thranduil turned to the girl before him and demanded, "Why are you laughing so hard at me?"

"Well you majesty," Smurf began, looking amused, "mybrotherandIhaveajokeaboutyou,wecallyouamolesterandIthreatentosicyouonhimwhenhewon'tbehave." She rushed then started giggling again. (Translation: My brother and I have a joke about you, we call you a molester and I threaten to sic him on you when he won't behave.)

"WHAT!" Thranduil was looking very pissed, wouldn't you if someone called you a molester?

Just then Legolas, Aragorn, Elladan, Aldaril, Elrohir and Eowowen walked in. They saw Smurf giggling insanely, her face red from the laughter and Thranduil looking murderous.

Right when the sixete was about to turn around and hide out in the gardens for a couple of days when Smurf curtsied deeply, then fell flat on her face. "Owwies……" She moaned sitting up and rubbing her nose. "Your majesty, I am truly sorry for the comment as we never had a chance to get to know you or even hear anything about your reputation. And I must say, your floors are so hard and clean. I've never walked into or fallen onto such a clean surface.

Thranduil melted. "Your apology is accepted. You simply must stay for the Festival of Stars. Legolas will show to your room. Tonight you shall stay for dinner. Before you do, you might want to get the travel stains out of your continence."

Smurf curtsied again and managed to stay upright this time. (!) "Thank you your royal highness. Might I add, you've raised a remarkable son?" She winked cheekily before walking out of the audience room.

Thranduil stroked his beard thoughtfully for a moment then looked down. "Dammit Nibbles! You belong outside!" swore the king as Nibbles, Eowowen's pet black squirrel, streaked out through an open window.

* * *

Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! I know this isn't a very funny chapter and Thranduil is slightly OOC. Please don't hate me. About Eowowen and Legolas or Aldaril and Legolas, there is absolutely no incest between them. Aldaril is from An Elf in Rohan and Eowowen is an elvish name I got from a name generator. I can send you the link if you ask. PLEASE R&R! Next reviewers replies. 

Lexi G. - Welcome to the insanity, Lexi! Your not alone out there! Have a cookie and some anti-confusion pills! –hands over pills and cookie-

Nringa Bleh- YAY! I get the favorites list! Sweet! Gee, I wonder who Smurf Murf is? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……Here mellon-nin. You get a cookie too. –hands Nringa a cookie-

For everyone else, Smurf is a nickname of mine and Murphy is my last name. Cookie is a card playing name of mine. So everything is connected to me in some way. TTFN and R&R! Reviews make me happy and might make my muse come back. If you see Denise, my muse, please send her back to me via review or e-mail.


	4. Thank the Valar She's Finally Gone!

GAHH! I know I took forever, please forgive me awesomeliest reviewers. I had horrible writers block and then my muse didn't do her job. But in happier news, I got a beta! YAY!

She bloody well did get a beta. A menacing, twisted beta who will rip out your soul if you don't review.

Claimer- I own Nibbles the Squirrel, the horses, Smurf, Aldaril and Eowowen. And all the random orcs mentioned in this chapter.

Disclaimer- I own not LotR, Legolas, Aragorn, blah blah blah. Nor do I own the claimer, I forgot who it belongs to.

* * *

Smurf and Aldaril were lying on their backs. They were also laying on several thorns, a couple porcupine quills a stray dwarf or two.

"So, what you're telling me is that the Festival of Stars is basically one big excuse to get drunk?" Smurf was wary of free alcohol, although usually it was drugs she was offered.

"Yep," Aldaril confirmed.

"Even Eowowen…?"

"Yep."

"Wow….She seemed so much purer than that."

"You'd think so. She's actually a patron of the bars here and I believe secretly worships Dionysus, some god of wine. "

"Hmm," greeted this remark, then, "Do you have a crush on anyone?"

"Maybe…."

"Who?"

"No one…"

"One of Elrond's twin's likes you."

"Elladan?"

"Yup."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Really really?"

"Yup."

"Really really really?"

"YES ALREADY!"

Aldaril rolled over onto her stomach and freed a squashed dwarf. "Are you teasing me?"

Smurf rolled over too and freed a particularly fat dwarf. "Why would I tease you about love?" she asked incredulously.

While the dwarves blinked at the sudden light then ran off, Aldaril and Smurf's talk wandered among other girly topics, like make-up and clothes and how to get porcupine quills out of one's ass.

* * *

The next night, Legolas and Smurf were announced at the festival with a few (slight) errors on the announcing elf's part.

Smurf had forced Legolas at shoe point to escort her nicely to the royal table while she kept up a smiling face and steady streams of mumbles under her breathe. "My one chance at fame…where the bloody hell is the red carpet and spotlights and reporters…how the eff am I supposed to enjoy myself if I can't even breathe properly?" and other minor mumblings could be heard if one listened hard enough at her.

As the duo sat down at the table reserved for the royal family – yes, all two hundred and fifty-six cousins, aunts, uncles, more cousins, one lone sister, and three brothers – Smurf stared in shock. "Wow…I only have fifteen cousins, ten aunts, eleven uncles and oh yeah, Kayla and Renée's fiancés…I thought I had a big family."

Legolas gave Smurf a frightened look. "What exactly are you doing….?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

Smurf was struggling to get out of the heavy, rose colored dress she was wearing, and was singing, far from ever being on pitch, 'I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt'. "Oh this? I'm just getting something on that I won't mind getting all dirty when I pass out." She was now wearing a shirt reading WHS on the right side and a pair of gray shorts with CHICAGO written across the butt.

After dinner Smurf dragged Legolas down to the dance floor. Liberal amounts of elven wine had been served with the twelve-course meal. Legolas was a little more than drunk and Smurf was tipsy. "WHEEEE!" She cried out as she spun around. "I LOVE THIS!" Tripping for the forty-nine millionth, nine hundred ninety-nine thousandth, nine hundred and ninety-ninth time, she staggered to her feet. "Whoopsie." Nearby Eowowen was drinking her fiftieth glass and talking to a dwarf.

"Hey there, handsome. What's your name?"

The dwarf, who was fat, old, ugly, wrinkly, hairy, and named Glosur, blinked confusedly. 'Is she talking to me? HECK YES!' Glosur had never had much luck with women, but his luck was about to change.

"Hey sweetie, wanna dance?" Eowowen asked before tackling him and beginning to slow dance.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur thanks to the wine Smurf consumed. She vaguely remembered yelling at the minstrels to play the Macarena or was it YMCA? Regardless, the sober minstrels had greeted Smurf's demands with confused glances and shrugs, then went off and played some elfin tune. When the mornings light came, Smurf slept. Afternoon passed and she slept through that too. Finally night heralded some crickets chirps and she cracked open an eye. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" she yelled at the nearest cricket. It was unfazed.

Opening both eyes, Smurf sat up and yawned broadly. Midway through her yawn, a migraine came along and smacked her in the face before continuing on its merry way. "Owwwwww…." she moaned.

Standing up, she noticed someone had stripped her down and put an elfish traveling suit next to her. She pulled on the outfit then went over to her backpack, which lay in the corner. Gulping down the Tylenol in her hand, she wandered out into the hallway and proceeded to get lost in the castle.

Eventually she found Elladan looking love struck somewhere near Aldaril's room. "Smurf!" he cried and waved his arms, beginning to walk toward her. This dual action was too much and he promptly walked into a wall. "Smurf," he began again, "the molester…I mean Thranduil is sending Legolas, Elrohir and me off with Aragorn and you to your home!"

"Err…great? Why?"

"Because, silly, there's so many orcs around that are partial to human. Thranduil doesn't want father to be mad if Aragorn gets eaten. So we're coming to protect you!" Elladan tried to look heroic, but the multi-tasking involved with talking and trying to look heroic was once again too much and he fell over again, this time flat on his face.

_

* * *

_

_Saruman_…

The single name was spoken by Saruman's plantiar.

"Yes, my flaming snuggle-buddy?"

_Not now, the Nazgul are here. Later…_

"I humbly beg your apology master. What is it you desire of me?"

_Have you found my ring yet?_

"No master, not yet." Saruman dared not voice his thought, 'and neither have I found that girl….'

_Well find it, you fool! _

"Yes master."

As soon as the plantiar was off, Saruman called in some orcs. "Okay men, here's the plan…"

* * *

Several days into their trip, the males were almost wishing they could shoot themselves in the head. 'At least we're on the Wilderland…' was the mutual thought.

The quintet was indeed on the Wilderland, the plains extending into Mirkwood somewhat. Suddenly a group of orcs ran up and grabbed Smurf off Nicse, then ran off again.

"HEY! PUT ME DOWN! LEGOLAAAAAAS!" Her cries faded into the distance as the remaining four travelers looked at each other.

"…What the frick?"

They gave her a couple minutes to reappear. When she failed at that, they gave an almighty cheer and turned right around to head back to Mirkwood.

"Aragorn, King of Gondor," a voice said out of some purple and silver sugar cube shaped clouds.

"What are you talking about?" Aragorn asked suspiciously.

If the voice had visible eyes, they would have been shifty. "Nothing, nothing…" it said, "Anyway, you four must rescue Smurf. Saruman wants her for purposes most foul."

"Lemme think about that….no." Aragorn replied.

"Let's see if this will convince you then…." The voice smirked and snapped its fingers. Suddenly, Elladan was a piece of buttered toast, Legolas was a Barbie doll ™, Elrohir was a neon sign – really, really bright, and neon pink – and Aragorn was trapped in a SnoGlobe with the authoress and her sadistic-looking beta.

"Aragorn, you'd better…"started Elrohir the neon sign,

"…Get us back to normal or…" menaced the Barbie doll™.

"…." Elladan just sat there.

"All right? All right!" Aragorn cried as the girls advanced looking very fangirlish, and in the beta's case, vicious.

The voice muttered something and everyone was back to normal. Even the clouds were gone.

Mounting up, the foursome set off to find Smurf, unwillingly, but it's the thought that counts…right?

* * *

When the orcs had taken Smurf to wherever they had taken her, she was dumped at Saruman's feet. "Ah, there you are. I was waiting for you."

"What do you want from me? Kinky old man sex?" Smurf looked disgusted.

If possible, Saruman looked even more disgusted than Smurf. "Valar no! I already have a snuggle buddy…erm, partner."

"Thank God. So what do you want from me?"

Saruman simply gave Smurf his I'm-an-evil-old-man grin and replied, "You'll see m'dear, you'll see." He then began to laugh evilly. "Muwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Smurf, for reasons unknown, began to laugh evilly as well. That is, until she choked.

Days passed as Saruman laughed. If Smurf wasn't surrounded by murderous Orcs with no pencils, flip-flops or sporks in sight to fight with, she would have wandered away by now.

* * *

-runs off to find a bathroom- Oh God, I cannot believe I even thought about Smurf and Saruman and….Neither can I, quoth the beta…who shudders at the thought… 

Oh, and before I forget, everyone give a big round of applause to SlashyKitty and MagikFae. They both made this possible, Slashy for being my beta and Magik for telling me the names of the horses in Elvish. Iheartthem both!


End file.
